WEDNESDAY 16th DECEMBER
Reasons to dislike Christmas: chavs decorating the outside of their houses with an inordinate amount of lights.
My rule of thumb is this… the more lights there are, the lower class the house owner is.
This looks shit
The chavs haven’t thought this through. They’ll have to pay for the electricity out of their benefits. They could’ve spent that money on the usual fags and booze and junk food.
Or maybe they get free or discounted gas and electric from the council.
Some lights are nice; a lot are vile. Just like the owner.
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So the winner of X Factor this year is a bland nobody, releasing an utter pile of dirge. Why does everyone get so excited about this show?
Let me offer a wager that his album will be in the discount bin in 12 months time, he’ll be dropped by his record label in two years and singing on a cruise ship in the Med in three years.
This guy is not a star and never will be.
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Good job I didn’t over-react to Leicester City’s back-to-back league defeats. Normal service was resumed with a 3-0 win at the weekend.
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More Christmas parties were out and about at Pussycats at the weekend and I guess the same will be true over the next week or so. You get people coming out who probably don’t do much clubbing for the rest of the year and certainly over-indulge to some comic effect!
It's a tough job
Check out the latest photos in the gallery at www.djwanker.com – the official club pictures are at www.telfordnightlife.co.uk – come and see me for a photo, you know where to find me – also get a sticker and a shout out. Just remember your manners…
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My services aren’t required on Christmas Eve at Pussycats this year so I’ll probably head into Leicester with my best mate Phil (that’s DJ Phat Phil, who plays funky tunes at Vox Bar every Saturday, by the way) for some liquid refreshments. I can see it getting messy.
It’s what Jesus would’ve wanted. If he ever existed. Which he probably didn’t. But let’s not let the truth stand in the way of an excuse to over-indulge. Quite a few £1 drinks at Walkabout have our names on them. And it would be rude not to partake at that price.
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I will be at Cats on New Year’s Eve in charge of the main room as per the last three years.
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The International Centre in Telford staged the UK snooker championships last week. One of the competitors was Mark Selby who, like me, is from Leicester. He returned from a match one night to find his room had been ransacked with several items stolen, including his car keys – and then discovered to no great surprise that his fancy motor had been nicked.
There’s a pretty good chance that the thief was from Telford and knew exactly what he was doing and who he was targeting. Selby is probably no stranger to scumbag criminals as he grew up in an area of Leicester called New Parks which is like a larger version of Sutton Hill or Malinslee.
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Sometimes a TV show is ideally named for those who watch it. Let me give you an example… a programme mainly viewed by people waiting for death: Countdown.
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Some status updates airing dirty washing on Facebook are funny. Some are out of order. Some are random. And some are like this:
“I TELL U WOT MUM U WANT ME TO SLATE U I SHALL !!! u need 2 grow up and wake up to the real world not everything is going 2 go ur way, u cant stamp ur feet just cuz it doesnt. i cnt believe u kicking off bcuz i cnt av 8 ppl in a 2bed flat. ur a spoilt brat and immature thats y every1 ends up fallin out with u in end. u seem to 4get how much stuff u put us ova 3 kids through and 3YRS DNT MAKE UP FOR IT!!
And go on disown me again us lot are used to it we never bin good enough as *****, **** and ***** (names removed) ..obviously….3yrs dnt make up for the rest of missin the rest of our life or wot u put us through wen u did have us…. OUR DAD IS NOT PERFECT BUT HE TOOK US ON AND IF IT WASNT FOR HIM WE DONT NO WHERE WE WUD B !!!”
Come on love, tell us what you REALLY think.
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Here’s what I’d write about my mum “I love you more today than I did yesterday and not as much as I will tomorrow.”
And the same goes for my dad.
Anyone thinking I’ve gone all soppy will suffer temporary memory loss and never mention what I’ve just said…
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You know you’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
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Groups on Facebook I may avoid joining:
“Anatidaephobia – the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you” This group has nearly 100,000 members!
“I like spoons!” Congratulations to the 16 members who joined.
“I have texted lying down and dropped my phone on my face.” Over 200,000 members… grow up.
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From BBC news:
A woman who was given an anti-social behaviour order banning her from making loud noises during sex has admitted breaching the order. Caroline and Steve Cartwright’s love-making was described as “murder” and “unnatural” at Newcastle Crown Court. Neighbour Rachel O’Connor said: ‘The noise sounds like they are both in considerable pain. I have never ever heard anything like it.”
Here are what the sexy people look like…
Keep the noise down
Well, you can see the attraction…
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Nike sponsor Tiger Woods.
Their advertising slogan is: “Just Do It.”
I think he took brand loyalty a little too far.
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One of the women who claims to have had a fling with Tiger Woods told American TV this week that he would text other ladies while in bed with her. “I don’t think he’s an honest man,” she said.
As honest as sleeping with someone you know is married then?
For the record, and to avoid any accusations of throwing stones in a glass house, I must admit that I have slept with a married woman before.
I said to her: “Look Angelina, it’s a secret between us – I won’t tell Brad.”
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Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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Tesco have withdrawn a light-hearted Christmas card which said: “Santa loves all kids. Even ginger ones.” This follows a complaint from over-sensitive customer Davinia Phillips who has, yes you guessed it, three ginger children as well as way too much time on her hands.
Here is what the humourless bitch looks like…
Not for me, thanks
After looking at that I can imagine you’re thinking the same as me: “Who was the lucky man who shagged her at least three times?”
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I can see a day when someone complains about my blog to the police. Someone did actually threaten to do that earlier this year. She committed a criminal offence (but the complainant didn’t report it to the cops) and I berated her for her behaviour. I still have her email somewhere. I read it whenever I need cheering up.
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It’s very hard to have sympathy with the burglar in Buckinghamshire who tied up a man and his family in their home and then suffered permanent brain damage after being viciously attacked with a cricket bat as he fled the scene of the crime. I don’t agree with vigilante behaviour but none of this would’ve happened if he hadn’t committed the offence in the first place.
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Another joke from Jimmy Carr: “My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying: “Can I have a new bike?”. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”
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And finally… I hope plenty of postmen were intending to fly with British Airways this Christmas. See how they like it.
Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
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